So enough chit chatter and now down to the main point of this entry. For those close to my life reading this, they would know that about a week and a half my life took a turn. God redirected me to focus on Him and not on my relationship and the most painful thing about it is it wasn't on my terms. For those who know me I love being in control in the centre of the action, in the loop some would say. But this time it was different, I wasn't setting the rules, I didn't make the first move, He did. From past experience I could have argued, made logic of the situation and wriggled my way to an outcome that suited me, but knowing God, like Jacob I would come second best in a head to head combat with Him. So He starts stripping away whats important to my life and the worst thing about it, He didn't give a time frame on when this 'forced sabbatical' would end. Like cummon how much could a guy take in one day. You know when you get that feeling in your heart as if God says, "It's better you give it away willingly cause I'm taking it anyway." So grudgingly I accept these turn of events and its hard. Everyday for the past week and a half has been Lonersville, I always pride myself in not needing people but I've discovered that the reason most of us say that is because we have people around. When we have noone then being alone doesn't become an option but a reality.
But through this time as hard as it has been God has been faithful, He's shown me one thing that I never realised. That the one I loved more than God was 'being loved'. I know it's weird how can wanting to be loved be a bad thing, you may ask. Well I think when we look for love in all the wrong places or rather all the wrong sources we end up like Jacob, sleeping at night thinking it was Rachel and in the morning only discover its Leah. And for me thats exactly the disappointment I felt, I was so quick to blame the people in my life. Always saying they ain't loving me enough (sounds like a rap song I know), but actually no matter how they tried they would never be able to. I was giving them a task or rather problem only God was big enough to handle. I think realising that helped me set them free from the burden of satisfying my need for love for because they are human they couldn't fill a void only God had the capacity to feel.
So you may be asking why call this day one not Day 11 or something, I guess because even with all the breakthroughs God is bringing the hardship is right there in the mix with it and its painful. I feel alone most of the time. Trying to fill a loneliness void with a God who you know is there but can't see is only easy when singing it in worship in church. Some days are good like yesterday and last Thursday & other days are just painful and empty like today, but one thing I know clinging on to an 'invisible' God is worth the hardship. I don't know what tomorrow will hold, I've begun to take my life an hour at a time. But God will bring me joy, true joy, not the one you get after watching a football match with the boys or being on an amazing date with you lover. But a joy that surpasses your understanding and keeps you centered in Christ even when noone is there.
I'll close off with a line from the song I really love by Hillsong United called 'All I Need', I've listened to this song and done it in worship over a hundred time but its only been in these last days I've been truly able to say "All I Need Is You Lord" because now He's all I've got
All I need is You Lord
Is You Lord
All I need is You
love, peace and happiness
Tau
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