Times of refreshing.....

Been thinking lately about what I did in 2008, and I think by far the coolest thing was going to three ZAMHOLS camps. These are christian youth camps and remember early in the morning waking up and chilling by the dam wall. With water rushing jus under the dam wall. The son rising and a bunch of guys just spending some quiet time with God. I would know that no matter how tired I was from months of work. I would have one week were I could wake up and hear the soft rush of water and smell God's creation.

After ten days of spending quantity time with God I got a bit of quality time. A time of refreshing is what I would call it, I had been so afraid of being by myself. But just the past days of some me and God time have been more than refreshing. I think the biggest fear I had of being alone was that i would always be like that. But then I started reflectong on all the people who have ever been in my life. I have met and been close with a lot of amzing people, some I lost, some still there but the funny thing is, if I look at it I was the uncoolest of the bunch. These people dodn't hang out with me cause I of what I had (they couldn't cause I didnt have much), but I believe God brought them in exactly the people I needed at a certain point. So got to thinking who am I to try garner people's approval to make them stay, when them getting to know didn't require that at all. I used to say this, still do that I am a very fortunate person. I've got a God who loves me(full stop). I'm not afraid anymore, am not afraid of letting go or of being by myself. Because from now on I am sure of one thing, that I'm never alone, that God makes sure of.

You may be like me, been seeking answers and nothing seemed to make sense. He's there, always been there with His arms wide open. Get into the zone and be refreshed, God loves you.

love, peae and happiness

Tau

Day Six, Seven & Eight.....

I know I haven't written in a while, its not a case of journaling laziness. But I feel I just don't want to blog for the sake of blogging. Want to share with you guys the quiet spontaneous things God places on my heart. Don't want my head to be doing the blogging but my heart, that way it makes sense to me and to you and God shines through it all. So the past three days have been very much the same, nothing major except for today. I finished everything packed down, and there I was walking out by myself. Expected to feel the same emptiness I did last week (i.e Day One...) but surprisingly I didn't. I was filled with a sense of unexplained joy. It was funny but in my loneliness I found joy, inexplicable joy, could have skipped all the way home. So I've decided to write a poem that sums up my week.

Out on the open plain

Stood a dying tree

That noone could seek nourishment from

For it could no longer bear fruit

The tree would ask its master

"Please give me new fruit"

In reply He would say,

It helps nothing because the problem is in your roots

So in His kindness He took a shovel

Dug and uprooted the tree from the gravel

And as it died a painful death

He pulled out of His pocket a tiny seed

Put it in the ground and in it His life he breathed

And as the days go by

Slowly but surely, it turns into a tree

I know I'll have more down days but with it will come the ups, but in it I know, " Outwardly I may be wasting away, but inwardly He renews me day by day."

love peace and happiness

Tau

Day Four & Five....

Have you ever imagined what it would be like to die by crucifixion. Don't know about you but I'm one of those who think dying like this is painful. Just think feeling as your life slowly passes from you and your whole body is numb with pain. I think its something none of us want to ever experience. So the past two days have been reminders with people commenting on several aspects from previous blogs. One friend said to me that I was in pain and was having a hard time cause in one of my posts I have written "To do something right requires death of self." And I thought about it death wow, what a concept, but then started thinking what if someone dies in their sleep they feel no pain. Why couldn't my death be 'DEATH BY SLEEP' (will not be tempted to tell my UBA UBA joke). Then a different friend who shared her story with me put the last piece in the puzzle she wrote, "The only thing our flesh understands is cricifixion."

Now that got me thinking to the one man I know who died by crucifixion, Jesus. He felt pain, if you've ever watched passion of the Christ then you'll know what I'm talking about. And if that physical pain can be transduced emotionally then it the pain we sometimes feel when God rearranges our lives starts to make sense. When Jesus says in Luke 9:24, "For whosoever will save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it." Looking at it its funny, when he tells us 'whoever loses his life...' i.e. is crucified with me, 'will save it...' i.e. will have a new life in me. Becoming like Jesus is a daily crucifixion, mostly hard, gut wrenching, but ultimately worth it. Because with each death, i.e. when we say yes to His leading, we are given a new life, one that doesn't have a time limit. A life that doesn't depend on the economy, or a marriage or kids or a job, but on God's never ending love.

So I encourage you to die ( i know sounds morbid), for only by death of the Son of God was He able to save. God make beauty out of ashes, just think of it Adam was made from dust..

love, peace and happiness

Tau

Day Three....

Have you ever had one of those loud days. When there are voices coming in from every angle and it all makes sense but then you don't know what to write about. So forgive me today if my thoughts seem to wonder off in one direction and then the next but God's been saying a lot and its a lot to fit into one blog post. Today was quite an interesting one, was extremely tired in the morning, could not keep my eyes open in the only lecture of my day . By the time I was done I wasn't interested in anything academic so I awarded myself an official day off.

Though taken out of sheer laziness this day turned out to be one in which God showed me more of his heart. When you hear the word 'leper' what crosses your mind? I don't know about you but, dying flesh and missing limbs are the images my mind conjures up. Asked a friend today what she knew about leprosy and she told me a flesh eating disease. Its interesting that lepers are mentioned in the bible a lot and few of us really know what the disease is about. So being the biologist I am a few years ago I found out what leprosy is. Its actually a disease in which your nerve cells are damaged and you can't feel a thing. Thinking about it this doesn't sound so bad, no more pain, you could start a magic show and walk over coal without feeling a thing. But the worst thing about this disease is you don't fell anything, you could step on a rusty nail and not feel it and it will rot in your leg. That's why in the bible lepers always had missing limbs and horrible skin, this is because they would get hurt and not know about it until it was too late for any repair to be done.

This might come as a shock to some of my close friends but just realised today I feel like an emotional leper but also a spiritual leper. I envy people who genuinely cry, feel surprise and feel overwhelmed. Just taking stock of my life most of the moments I've had (especially the special moments) with important people in my life I have known what I wanted to feel but never felt it. I told a friend of mine today that you can't surprise me  not because I always know but because I know what surprise looks like but not what it feels like. Maybe its just me and my weird life but thats how it is, maybe someone out there can relate to my feeling of indifference to most things. I envy guys who can just cry before God and be overtaken by worship, was asking God why I don't have such a relationship with Him. I think of that verse in Psalm 34:8 "Taste and see that the Lord is good." I want to move from heart knowledge to feeling His love and being overwhelmed, and am sure the more QUANTITY time I spend with Him the QUALITY time will follow.


But even in my pursuit of tasting Him one thing will remain true, that I know He is God. And if I am never to have the feeling, my soul is satisfied in the knowledge of Him.


love, peace and happiness


Tau

Day Two...

I write this post in quite a bit of physical pain as it feels like my back just had a sledge hammer driven through it. But anyway aside from that, I was very encouraged from the early hours of the morning today just the responses that came via texts, calls and comments with guys just resonating with my post yesterday. If it did nothing else it showed me that God is listening and its His way of telling me that I'm not alone, so thank you guys. Kind of reminds me of that verse  1Cor10:13 just says nothing has seized us that is uncommon to man. So it was sort of a wake up call for me that made me get off my 'special case' high horse and realise, we are are all facing tough lessons in one way or another.

So Day 2, started out really well considering how Day1 was, you know the bible says that sorrow may last for a while but joy comes in the morning. I think not only joy but clarity as well. A lot of things became clearer about the way I felt yesterday. Like my loneliness was it a case of I missed someone or I missed the feeling I had when I was with that person. I know difficult to look at it that way, but just woke up being challenged to question my motives. How often do we question our motive guys, why do we do the things we do. Is it for our benefit or for the benefit of others. Is it for gain or purely for love, WOW!!! this really shook me. Really brought me down to a earth and stop feeling sorry for myself and get in line with what God is doing. To stop trying to get out of my situation but allow God to transform me through it. There's a lot of stuff I don't know about what I'm going through right now, but one thing I do know is that God WON'T CHANGE. He still is the faithful, loving, merciful, just and life giving GOD.

I've just been going throught the Psalms (I like to call them 'David's Journal Entries') and was moved by one today, Psalm 17. In it David is complaining about the unrighteous and all the bad things happening to Him but he has been following God's command. But after all that complaining he ends off the Psalm with a beautiful line

'I will be satisfied with Your presence'

And I think, God loves it when we come to Him with our grievances much like me yesterday. But we come back to a place of saying ' I am satisfied with Your presence'. Because ultimately when we are satisfied in God, disappointments still disappoint but God doesn't. Our jobs, careers, relationships, grades, anything else will reach its limit. But God will remain the one thing we can rely on to always satisfy.

love, peace and happiness

Tau

Day One....

I guess I am shifting gears from my usual posts from today onwards. Been encouraged by mates to start journaling and I think this is an opportunity for my readers to get intouch with the real me. Hoping my journey inspires you to start writing your own. Some entries will be long some will be short, I'll miss some days and maybe post two on one day but what I will keep consistently is trying to be honest and open to my readers and allow God to shape me and shape others through these entries.

So enough chit chatter and now down to the main point of this entry. For those close to my life reading this, they would know that about a week and a half my life took a turn. God redirected me to focus on Him and not on my relationship and the most painful thing about it is it wasn't on my terms. For those who know me I love being in control in the centre of the action, in the loop some would say. But this time it was different, I wasn't setting the rules, I didn't make the first move, He did. From past experience I could have argued, made logic of the situation and wriggled my way to an outcome that suited me, but knowing God, like Jacob I would come second best in a head to head combat with Him. So He starts stripping away whats important to my life and the worst thing about it, He didn't give a time frame on when this 'forced sabbatical' would end. Like cummon how much could a guy take in one day. You know when you get that feeling in your heart as if God says, "It's better you give it away willingly cause I'm taking it anyway." So grudgingly I accept these turn of events and its hard. Everyday for the past week and a half has been Lonersville, I always pride myself in not needing people but I've discovered that the reason most of us say that is because we have people around. When we have noone then being alone doesn't become an option but a reality.

But through this time as hard as it has been God has been faithful, He's shown me one thing that I never realised. That the one I loved more than God was 'being loved'. I know it's weird how can wanting to be loved be a bad thing, you may ask. Well I think when we look for love in all the wrong places or rather all the wrong sources we end up like Jacob, sleeping at night thinking it was Rachel and in the morning only discover its Leah. And for me thats exactly the disappointment I felt, I was so quick to blame the people in my life. Always saying they ain't loving me enough (sounds like a rap song I know), but actually no matter how they tried they would never be able to. I was giving them a task or rather problem only God was big enough to handle. I think realising that helped me set them free from the burden of satisfying my need for love for because they are human they couldn't fill a void only God had the capacity to feel.

So you may be asking why call this day one not Day 11 or something, I guess because even with all the breakthroughs God is bringing the hardship is right there in the mix with it and its painful. I feel alone most of the time. Trying to fill a loneliness void with a God who you know is there but can't see is only easy when singing it in worship in church. Some days are good like yesterday and last Thursday & other days are just painful and empty like today, but one thing I know clinging on to an 'invisible' God is worth the hardship. I don't know what tomorrow will hold, I've begun to take my life an hour at a time. But God will bring me joy, true joy, not the one you get after watching a football match with the boys or being on an amazing date with you lover. But a joy that surpasses your understanding and keeps you centered in Christ even when noone is there.

I'll close off with a line from the song I really love by Hillsong United called 'All I Need', I've listened to this song and done it in worship over a hundred time but its only been in these last days I've been truly able to say "All I Need Is You Lord" because now He's all I've got

All I need is You Lord

Is You Lord

All I need is You

love, peace and happiness

Tau

Obey Your Thirst....

Today I woke up bright and early and was determined to be on  time for my lecture and not forget anything. But here I forgot that with me being ready and not forgetting something are two mutually exclusive events. So I forgot my precious water bottle which means for the past four hours I haven't had my five minute sip of refreshing water. And its  funny how my body has responded, I feel so dehydrated and thirsty every second its like I just want some water (regardless of the fact I'm leaving the library every 30minutes to drink water). And it just takes me back to about three months ago when I started my 1.5litres of water a day regime and how finishing 500ml bottle of water was excruciating, some days had to force it down my throught. But nowadays a single bottle won't last me an hour and have to go get some more and drinking about 2litres of water a day.

So If my body can get adapted to drinking lots of water and even crave it, what more with our spirits and God. Like drinking water getting into the habit of spending time with God is sometimes a laborious task. Having days were you have to force yourself to read the word or pray when you don't feel like it but you have to because like water, its good for you. So don't worry if you are in the early stages season of spending time with God cause the more you do the more your whole being adapts to spending time with God that on the day you fail to do so, your entire body thirsts for His presence and even though you take little bathroom break (like me for water) you aren't satisfied.

So lets dig our claws into time with God and before you not it He truly becomes the well spring of our souls, without whom we thirst for eternity.

love, peace and happiness

Tau

Dying of the Flesh....

After my post yesterday just came across an interesting post by Kate McDonald (www.katemcdonald.wordpress.com) so thought I would share it with you guys. If you are an avid blog reader like me it would be worth your time following her blogs.

How can this be wrong when it feels so right?
~~~~~~~~
Feels so right it can’t be wrong
~~~~~~~~
I know that nothing can’t be wrong that feels so right
~~~~~~~~
…the above lyrics are just three examples of from the 45 google pages you will unearth if you search “lyrics + wrong + feels right”

Sunday at church I had a splitting headache. It had begun the night before and carried right on through until the morning. The longer I sat, the more I tried to focus my eyes to read from my Bible, the more I felt like my head was going to explode. I tried to rub my neck and press pressure points.. in fact, after church my friend Andrea said, “you looked so miserable I was tempted to come up and sit behind you and just give you a massage”.

So when I say that something Pastor said went straight into my heart, I want you to understand just how much that took given the circumstances. 

I left church with just one sentence scrawled down in my journal:“does it feel good or does it feel right?”

For as many songs as there are that rely on the logic ‘if it feels good, then it cannot be wrong’ hence a thing is right to the degree that it feels good there is another whole set of songs that mirror’s Joss Stone’s position on the matter: “I’ve got a right to be wrong”

Ok, Joss… go ahead and lay claim to that one.

Christians are often more suave and guarded about holding onto their ‘rights’ and making decisions based on how good something feels. It sounds more like, ‘I just don’t have peace about__________’ or ‘__________ just honestly doesn’t feel right in my spirit’.

It doesn’t feel right? ….or…. it doesn’t feel good?

BIG DIFFERENCE.

This morning the Lord is bringing to mind a lot of right things that probably didn’t feel good. How about Abraham taking Isaac up to the mountain? As I parent, I cringe at that story. And… Joseph? He does the right thing by fleeing from his boss’ wife, only to end up in jail. No warm fuzzy feelings there. Moses was terrified to go and speak and be leader. It was the right thing to do, but it didn’t feel good. Can you even imagine how much David wanted to kill Saul in that cave when he had the chance? That probably would’ve felt good, but wouldn’t have been right. So he spared Saul’s life and continued to spend his fleeing his foe. Ruth probably didn’t want to obey her mother in law, but she did it anyway. Daniel probably would’ve had a lot more “peace” about not being thrown into the lions, right? The disciples likely would’ve been more comfortable not being martyred. Paul might have enjoyed writing letters from somewhere other than prison.

Not to mention Jesus, right? Who was tempted in every way as we are, but not because He couldn’t have escaped the flesh if He wanted to…who was rejected by His own… Who, the Bible said, was hated and despised…who endured the fickleness of His own creation… and ultimately who took on the sin of us all and died in our place, to make all things RIGHT.

So, if doing the right thing doesn’t necessarily (or often) feel good, what does it feel like?

Can you take a few minutes this morning to think about some times in your life when you’ve done the right thing? Can you give yourself the space to remember instances of obedience?

Go ahead.

Does it have a twinge of dying in it?

It has occurred to me this morning after having done some of my own personal inventory, that the sensation I associate with the hardest, most deep obediences of my life is feeling of death. Now before you all going getting cute, don’t be thinking of me like David with a sword above my head ready to slay something or someone…. well, other than me, that is.

The smell of death that clings to those memories, is the fragrance of my flesh passing away. It is the memory of my will and my desires and my claims and my rights decaying in the light of His Will and His Desires and His Claims and His Rights.

Abraham laid down his right to his own son- his flesh and blood- his Promise from the Lord. Joseph had to accept that doing the right thing didn’t mean he was going to get a medal or a pat on the back or even believed! Moses had to die to his insecurities. David had to let go of defending or avenging himself. Ruth lost the life she had known. Daniel died, time and time again, to his right to fit into his culture. The disciples gave everything up to follow Jesus- livelihood, families, and ultimately their own physical lives as well. Paul didn’t spend his life being the scholar of high position that he could’ve…

There is something appropriate about death being combined with obedience. Just as Jesus died to make a way for us to be righteous, when we seek to do right, we will find it requires a death for us.

love, peace and happiness

Tau

Who comes First....

Who comes first in your life? Before you answer this I would like you to think of two things:

1. Whats the one thing in your life that if it were to be taken away it would crush you beyond resolve?
2. What in your life occupies your time more than anything?

For most of us we can mention our family, parents, a spouse, a business. If you are a Christian you could possibly mention God. But even being a Christian after considering the two questions a deep sense of guilt or shame comes upon us as we think, really we always say God is first in our lives but nothing in our lives shows that. Not our time, not our thoughts, not our strength, not even our hearts. And its not that we don't think of it or desire for God to be first but still that connection seems to evade us. 

Maybe this is because we are looking for quality time to get to know God but that seems to be beyond our reach. But think of it this way, lets say you have a girlfriend/boyfriend and once a week you sit her down and say, "Baby tell me your fears, what you're feeling, just open up to me and cry." You and I both know even we wouldn't respond to that. Moments of opening up and sharing come when we don't expect it, when we go out for a movie or  when we spend the day together. Tim Keller puts it like this, "In order for us to have Quality time with God we need to have Quantity time." 

I guess my encouragement is for us to consider how much quantity time we are spending time with God. Matt Papa once wrote, "If Jesus's bones are to be found today and your life doesn't fall apart then is he really first in your life." Lets make it our daily prayer that its just us and God, and truly when we ask ourselves that question months from now we can speak with truth in our heart that Jesus is first.

love, peace and happiness

Tau

Prayer of Submission

I read this poem some years ago and thought of it recently. I hope it makes you think of what it really means to trust in God.

I ask you neither for health or sickness

For life nor for death;

But that you may dispose of my health and my sickness

My life and my death, for your glory. 

You alone know what is expedient for me; 

You are the sovereign master.

 Give me, or take away from me, only conform my will to yours. 

I know but one thing Lord, that it is good to follow you. 

Apart from that I know not what is good or bad in anything. 

I know not what is profitable for me, health or sickness, 

Wealth or poverty, nor anything else in the world. 

That discernment is beyond the power of men or angels, 

And is hidden among the secrets of your providence., 

Which I adore, but do not seek to fathom.

Love, peace and happiness

Tau