Never worthy... Always blessed

Just thought I would zoom you guys into my life by giving you a excerpt from an email I sent a friend of mine a couple of minutes ago.

So this other day when I was cleaning the cottage I listened to a preach by Sibs on a series called RED were they take the words said by Jesus (sometimes highlighted in Red in what are called red letter bibles.. like mine... :o)..... ) So anyway he gives reasons to why Jesus offended lots of people one of them was because He was ordinary even today. He said the interesting thing about Christian salvation is that unlike all other types of salvation from other religions and beliefs is the simple fact that we contribute nothing to it other than our sin, so the rich guy in Sandton can contribute nothing more than the poor farmer in Umtata. The most moral person and the least moral are the same once they are saved by Christ. In essence  in a world where power, wealth and morality get you far, Christ’s salvation makes us all equal and we are offended when the Jesus says the bastard from down the road who has been saved on his deathbed is no different from you who has been a devout Christian for all your life. So amazing thing happens, I think there is nothing I have ever done or can ever do to earn God’s favour and love. I am simply not worthy and slowly today my prayer changed from deal making with God to Dad can I have good results because you are good and I’m not. I felt liberated that even if I had been a saint in 2010 I would not have been entitled to God’s favour lest He wanted to give it to me. I was at His mercy I have always been.

So was shaking as I opened that email and got my results and all I had asked for I got. He gave it to me despite my doubt and fear, and all I could do was gape on my bottom bunk with my brother snoring and skipped to my parents bedroom woke them up and showed them. Mom beamed and Dad lifted his hand for a high five(while his head was in his pillow cause he was sleeping) And instead of sending me off they prayed thanking God for my progress and asking for more wisdom and focus for me in the coming year. Come to think about it I think it’s the prayer of my parent’s that gets me through a lot. So ya thats the bizarre happy ending to my totally irritable day.

For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God,  not a result of works, so that no one may boast. 

 The verse above is Ephesians 2:8-9 hope you will all remember it when either you've done so much good and you think God owes you or you've messed up so much you think He doesn't love you no more.

love, peace and happiness

Tau

Here's to Old Skool

One of the joys and frustrations of being at home is not having electricity. This load shedding business about four to six hours a day has hampered my ability to blog as often as I like. I start on a specific thought pattern and just like that power is out, so after six hours my blog is no longer in my head anymore. Coupled with the fact that me and my brother share only one wireless broadband adaptor. So excuse me if I've been silent for the past month or so. However today I just thought let me go old skool, so ruffled through the book shelves in the house and was able to pull out an old counter book whose pages have lost colour with time. So during these times of tranquil, silence and no electricity I will write

Back to the idea of old skool, I was thinking how disenchanted I've become with the numerous ways of chatting with friends online. Be it googletalk, facebook chat, mxit, skype the list goes on and on. Chatting, quick communication and all have for me removed the excitement of receiving something from a loved one. I remember back in 2004 when cellphones were not that big in Zimbabwe, was something your parents had and your older brother in university. I had a crush on a girl I had met over the school holidays, so before holidays were out we exchanged postal addresses. Then I had something to look forward to every two weeks, a packed letter full of all her exploits since she received my last letter. Funny but can equate what has happened in my walk with God , and that with lots of people I have talked to. We expect the fast and easy response with God, Him to just give us the quick and easy answers when we ask. When he doesn't act like our own personal service we act as if we've been disconnected from the service. Little do we know He's been taking us through a season since the last one we've been in. Taking stock and waiting to one day give us the jam packed letter of where we've come from. Think of Joseph who is the best example I have of God waiting to bring out the big letter at the end.

He was given a vision and a promise which only came to fruition years after he saw it. Can imagine sometimes during that journey He felt like he needed instant answers, he helps the cup bearer who repays him by forgetting him in prison for 3years. Isn't that how we feel sometimes, like we've been forgotten. I guess sometimes we need to go through that for God to see how deep our cisterns are and if we're really drawing our affirmation from the right place. Reminds me of the verse Jeremiah 2:13 "for my people have committed two evils: they have forsaken me, the fountain of living waters, and hewed out cisterns for themselves, broken cisterns that can hold no water."


Need some silence to see were our cisterns lie.


love, peace and happiness


Tau 

Even when doing the dishes.....

Hello, one and all its me again, back after a while away. Been an exciting two weeks with stuff coming up and changing all the time. Exam season now so everything is like in high gear with guys doing a lot of SWATing for their upcoming papers. So just been a good morning, woke up and was thinking tomorrow (24th October) is a very significant day for me although at the moment it won't have an official significance it still reminds me of the journey thus far and how I made some important decisions in my life. But anyway back to the subject matter, I guess you guys must be wondering what this whole ' Even when doing dishes' title is all about. Well today I was at a worship workshop for all the GodFirst battalions and got a lot of insight into worship and thought I'ld share with you guys.

There was an interesting quote that came up today, "Religion happens when God walks out the door". Just got me thinking what things have I been doing as a worship leader during the worship service that God is not involved in at all but just because well, 'I've learnt to do it RELIGIOUSLY'. Very disturbing thought but think about it, in church are you now just raising your hands, cause its the norm, do you even know why you're raising up your hands? Not to say raising up hands isn't great  its awesome shows just our surrender to God, but when we no longer think about why we're doing stuff and they just become 'RELIGION' then it becomes fruitless.

Today though I just want to shift our gears and move out of the context of church and more into our everyday lives. What is worship for us, if we could mention the five things you could do other than singing to worship God, what would it be? Would that include paying your taxes with integrity, being a good steward of your time and studying for an exam or doing an assignment on time. To think about most of our lists might include the 'significant stuff' like, working at a homeless shelter, or serving in a team on Sunday, which are all GREAT things don't get me wrong. But sometimes we think we can't do this in the ordinary stuff and thereby lose the opportunity to worship God all the time. As that verse in 1 Cor 10:31 thats says "Therefore, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do everything for God's glory."(HCSB)


So I've got a challenge for you guys, I'm always on my facebook like once every hour of the day, so for the next seven days my statuses will show how on that day I'm going to worship God. I want to do this for two reasons, firstly since I am on my facebook constantly its a good reminder of what I should be doing for the day. And two it might encourage people on ordinary stuff they could also do to worship God. Hope all of you will join me in this. And maybe you're not a facebook addict like me and you're always on your cellphone. Why don't you make your background image what you're gonna worship God by doing today, or even set a reminder very hour. Maybe you're a computer junky, set your desktop background to what you're gonna do to worship God. I assure you you'll see amazing fruits as you exercise God in worshiping God in all you do.

Just want  to leave you with a scripture which I think so depicts what our lives should be like, "So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you."(Message)


love, peace and happiness


Tau 

Lonesome Thoughts

Thought I'ld go on a different tangent today and write a poem.... Wrote this after a though provoking discussion with a friend just over a year ago..

What it seems
Ain't what it is
What is was
Ain't what it will be
The good or bad in a person is......
....not what they are in a moment
But what they are constanlty

When it was a seed
Noone imagined an oaktree
For it decided to weather the harsh climate
To become what is was meant to be
For our trials and circumstances
Don't make us who we are
But our choices in therein

Who you seem
Is not who you are
Who you were
Is not who you will be
For strong bridges have broken,
Many a time
Small streams turn to great rivers

love, peace and happiness

Tau

Waiting well...

Coming from Zimbabwe, queues where always the order of the day. Queue for money to buy food, queue for fuel to go to the grocery store. Queue for an item i.e. bread at the grocery store then ultimately queue at the cash till to pay for these groceries so our lives were filled with waiting. But thinking about it what did I do with those precious hours in which my life was filled with waiting and I come up with one word, NOTHING.

Isn't this the same with our walk with God, were sometimes we are in a season filled with queues and all we do is complain. Comparing God to a bank teller or fuel attendant whose sole purpose is to serve us. Personally I've been in a waiting period for a couple of months and just going in my brain, 'Anytime today would be good God'. But to my dismay am still in that queue and nothing seems to be happening. Speaking to my mum today made the situation even more real and it was so easy for me to start thinking of a backup plan, just incase God doesn't pull through. But even as the thought entered my mind the absurdity of such a phrase hit me. And it hit me in the form  of two verses Numbers 23:19 - 'God is not man who lies or son of man who changes his mind, does He speak and not act or promise and not fulfill?'(HSCB) and Hebrews 6:18 - ' So God has given both his promise and his oath. These two things are unchangeable because it is impossible for God to lie. Therefore, we who have fled to him for refuge can have great confidence as we hold to the hope that lies before us' (NLT). 


Its so easy not to trust God when things don't happen in our alloted time, when God seems to be just taking a chill pill in our situation for kicks, but I think the thing we need to learn is to wait well. As Sibs (Elder at Godfirst church) once put it, do we sometimes consider that God is more interested in working in our hearts than in our situation. That He is more worried about building Christ-likeness in us..... Not saying God doesn't care about our problems or the situations we are in, but lets not let our lives boil down to the whether God has done His 'genie' work. Terry Virgo(leader of New Frontiers family of churches) put it excellently when he said, "Salvation begins when we surrender to Christ's lordship".


Maybe you have an unmet need in your life right now, maybe like me not knowing how you are going to come back to university the following year. Maybe your marriage has been on a knifes edge for months, or you are watching your only child's health slowly deteriorate. Whatever it is, big or small, I encourage you, while seeking God for an intervention wait well. Instead of complaining 3hours in the bank queue of your situation, see the inner work that God is doing. Because one thing is for sure, that its our faith in Jesus that gets us through the hard times. Because hard times will come and go, problems will arise and pass but God is still God. Just thought I would leave you with the words from a song by Kutless called I'm Still Yours

Even if you take it all away

You never let me go

Take it all away

I still know

That I'm yours

I'm still yours

love, peace and happiness

Tau

Look up...

I know, I know guys its been a couple of days since my last blog but its been a very trying time for me. Went through a bout of bad days and sleepless nights. Was feeling very restless but just like Jacob felt I was telling God I won't let go till you make me right. And am feeling a lot better now, still fighting the doldrums.

So anyway today I don't have much to share just something interesting happened today late in the day. Decided to go to the grocery store to get some groceries(no prizes for guessing). On my way back I met this short white guy who greeted me and complemented me on my hat. And it seemed like this guy had something burning He wanted to say to me but he just kept quite. We walked in silence until our paths went in different directions and he said to me. "Can I offer you a piece of advice," knowing me I love to hear what people say especially perfect strangers. Then he added, "Always look up when you walk, it could drastically change your life." Weird I know, my first thoughts were, this guy maybe saw me crossing the road and a car maybe almost hit me and He's just telling me to look where I am going. But my philosophical self could not take this statement at face value. The last part of his advice "...it could drastically change your life" rang in my head for a while.

Then I started to think, how often like me crossing the road do we walk with God looking at our feet. I know it is written, 'God is a lamp unto our feet', but sometimes we get so obsessed with the steps we are taking we forget to look up to see the one who's waiting for us at the finish line. This came at such a timely moment in my life when I had become obsessed with my good days and bad days that I had forgotten to take my eyes off the road cause ultimately I'm not the one driving........ God is. I guess its easy for all of us to become engrossed in our cares, successes, failures that we fail to see the full view. Our life becomes limited by only as far as our steps take us.

So as that  short man said, 'when we walk lets always look up...'

love, peace and happiness

Tau

Grace.....

When Satan tempts me to despair,

And tells me of the guilt within,

Upward I look, and see him there

Who made an end of all my sin

I describe myself as one of those modern type worship leaders, out with the hymns and bring in the real music sort of guy. But quite interesting God has taken me on a tangent from my usual style and made me fall in love with hymns. I remember listening to 'I Exalt Thee' and just having the words impact my heart so much and focus my attention on God. But not to get caught up in dissecting my favourite hymn I guess today just wanted to write about grace, the word the entire gospel is built on. Just looking at guys who wrote hymns, I can't help but marvel at thhey're understanding of grace. Hymns have two common things which i feel are central to the Gospel. One is understanding that God loves you regardless and the second being that the only way we know that is by focusing on God.

I guess a lot of my posts have concentrated on the second postulate (proves i write a lot of scientific reports to use words like this) but today I'll spend time on the first. You know that verse in Psalms that says "But you, O LORD, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head." (Psalm 3:3 thank God for the internet). I was watching a series called 'Lie to Me' and this guy has got like a PhD in like Psychology and helps the government and companies spot liars. This one episode was interesting when this one guy felt shame and guilt for something he had done, and the PhD dude says, this guy is showing shame because his shoulders are drooping and his head is tilted down.

Isn't that what its like with us and sin, when we sin our spiritual shoulders droop and our heads tilt down. What's so amazing about this verse is that it doesn't point to 10 step plan to get out of guilt, it points to Jesus. You might say well, Jesus wasn't born yet and blah blah blah, how can it point to Jesus. But something fascinating I discovered recently Luke 24:27, ^" And beginning with Moses and all the Prophets, he explained to them what was said in all the Scriptures concerning himself." All of scripture pointing to Jesus, WOW, I would have loved to have been part of those wide eyed disciples.

So I guess not to go off topic, grace is truly what saves us. Its truly what gives us pride in our saviour. If it wasn't for grace we wouldn't be here. Mercy Me (christian rock band) sing:

And if I boast let me boast

Of filthy rags made clean

And if I glory let me glory

In my Savior's suffering

Isn't that crazy

It would definately be crazy if it all wasn't true. I've got a friend of mine and her name means grace. But the first time i asked her what her name meant she said to me, "It means unmerited favour" (still think she just wanted to make it sound cool." But thats exactly what grace means...

love, peace and happiness

Tau

Times of refreshing.....

Been thinking lately about what I did in 2008, and I think by far the coolest thing was going to three ZAMHOLS camps. These are christian youth camps and remember early in the morning waking up and chilling by the dam wall. With water rushing jus under the dam wall. The son rising and a bunch of guys just spending some quiet time with God. I would know that no matter how tired I was from months of work. I would have one week were I could wake up and hear the soft rush of water and smell God's creation.

After ten days of spending quantity time with God I got a bit of quality time. A time of refreshing is what I would call it, I had been so afraid of being by myself. But just the past days of some me and God time have been more than refreshing. I think the biggest fear I had of being alone was that i would always be like that. But then I started reflectong on all the people who have ever been in my life. I have met and been close with a lot of amzing people, some I lost, some still there but the funny thing is, if I look at it I was the uncoolest of the bunch. These people dodn't hang out with me cause I of what I had (they couldn't cause I didnt have much), but I believe God brought them in exactly the people I needed at a certain point. So got to thinking who am I to try garner people's approval to make them stay, when them getting to know didn't require that at all. I used to say this, still do that I am a very fortunate person. I've got a God who loves me(full stop). I'm not afraid anymore, am not afraid of letting go or of being by myself. Because from now on I am sure of one thing, that I'm never alone, that God makes sure of.

You may be like me, been seeking answers and nothing seemed to make sense. He's there, always been there with His arms wide open. Get into the zone and be refreshed, God loves you.

love, peae and happiness

Tau

Day Six, Seven & Eight.....

I know I haven't written in a while, its not a case of journaling laziness. But I feel I just don't want to blog for the sake of blogging. Want to share with you guys the quiet spontaneous things God places on my heart. Don't want my head to be doing the blogging but my heart, that way it makes sense to me and to you and God shines through it all. So the past three days have been very much the same, nothing major except for today. I finished everything packed down, and there I was walking out by myself. Expected to feel the same emptiness I did last week (i.e Day One...) but surprisingly I didn't. I was filled with a sense of unexplained joy. It was funny but in my loneliness I found joy, inexplicable joy, could have skipped all the way home. So I've decided to write a poem that sums up my week.

Out on the open plain

Stood a dying tree

That noone could seek nourishment from

For it could no longer bear fruit

The tree would ask its master

"Please give me new fruit"

In reply He would say,

It helps nothing because the problem is in your roots

So in His kindness He took a shovel

Dug and uprooted the tree from the gravel

And as it died a painful death

He pulled out of His pocket a tiny seed

Put it in the ground and in it His life he breathed

And as the days go by

Slowly but surely, it turns into a tree

I know I'll have more down days but with it will come the ups, but in it I know, " Outwardly I may be wasting away, but inwardly He renews me day by day."

love peace and happiness

Tau

Day Four & Five....

Have you ever imagined what it would be like to die by crucifixion. Don't know about you but I'm one of those who think dying like this is painful. Just think feeling as your life slowly passes from you and your whole body is numb with pain. I think its something none of us want to ever experience. So the past two days have been reminders with people commenting on several aspects from previous blogs. One friend said to me that I was in pain and was having a hard time cause in one of my posts I have written "To do something right requires death of self." And I thought about it death wow, what a concept, but then started thinking what if someone dies in their sleep they feel no pain. Why couldn't my death be 'DEATH BY SLEEP' (will not be tempted to tell my UBA UBA joke). Then a different friend who shared her story with me put the last piece in the puzzle she wrote, "The only thing our flesh understands is cricifixion."

Now that got me thinking to the one man I know who died by crucifixion, Jesus. He felt pain, if you've ever watched passion of the Christ then you'll know what I'm talking about. And if that physical pain can be transduced emotionally then it the pain we sometimes feel when God rearranges our lives starts to make sense. When Jesus says in Luke 9:24, "For whosoever will save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it." Looking at it its funny, when he tells us 'whoever loses his life...' i.e. is crucified with me, 'will save it...' i.e. will have a new life in me. Becoming like Jesus is a daily crucifixion, mostly hard, gut wrenching, but ultimately worth it. Because with each death, i.e. when we say yes to His leading, we are given a new life, one that doesn't have a time limit. A life that doesn't depend on the economy, or a marriage or kids or a job, but on God's never ending love.

So I encourage you to die ( i know sounds morbid), for only by death of the Son of God was He able to save. God make beauty out of ashes, just think of it Adam was made from dust..

love, peace and happiness

Tau

Day Three....

Have you ever had one of those loud days. When there are voices coming in from every angle and it all makes sense but then you don't know what to write about. So forgive me today if my thoughts seem to wonder off in one direction and then the next but God's been saying a lot and its a lot to fit into one blog post. Today was quite an interesting one, was extremely tired in the morning, could not keep my eyes open in the only lecture of my day . By the time I was done I wasn't interested in anything academic so I awarded myself an official day off.

Though taken out of sheer laziness this day turned out to be one in which God showed me more of his heart. When you hear the word 'leper' what crosses your mind? I don't know about you but, dying flesh and missing limbs are the images my mind conjures up. Asked a friend today what she knew about leprosy and she told me a flesh eating disease. Its interesting that lepers are mentioned in the bible a lot and few of us really know what the disease is about. So being the biologist I am a few years ago I found out what leprosy is. Its actually a disease in which your nerve cells are damaged and you can't feel a thing. Thinking about it this doesn't sound so bad, no more pain, you could start a magic show and walk over coal without feeling a thing. But the worst thing about this disease is you don't fell anything, you could step on a rusty nail and not feel it and it will rot in your leg. That's why in the bible lepers always had missing limbs and horrible skin, this is because they would get hurt and not know about it until it was too late for any repair to be done.

This might come as a shock to some of my close friends but just realised today I feel like an emotional leper but also a spiritual leper. I envy people who genuinely cry, feel surprise and feel overwhelmed. Just taking stock of my life most of the moments I've had (especially the special moments) with important people in my life I have known what I wanted to feel but never felt it. I told a friend of mine today that you can't surprise me  not because I always know but because I know what surprise looks like but not what it feels like. Maybe its just me and my weird life but thats how it is, maybe someone out there can relate to my feeling of indifference to most things. I envy guys who can just cry before God and be overtaken by worship, was asking God why I don't have such a relationship with Him. I think of that verse in Psalm 34:8 "Taste and see that the Lord is good." I want to move from heart knowledge to feeling His love and being overwhelmed, and am sure the more QUANTITY time I spend with Him the QUALITY time will follow.


But even in my pursuit of tasting Him one thing will remain true, that I know He is God. And if I am never to have the feeling, my soul is satisfied in the knowledge of Him.


love, peace and happiness


Tau

Day Two...

I write this post in quite a bit of physical pain as it feels like my back just had a sledge hammer driven through it. But anyway aside from that, I was very encouraged from the early hours of the morning today just the responses that came via texts, calls and comments with guys just resonating with my post yesterday. If it did nothing else it showed me that God is listening and its His way of telling me that I'm not alone, so thank you guys. Kind of reminds me of that verse  1Cor10:13 just says nothing has seized us that is uncommon to man. So it was sort of a wake up call for me that made me get off my 'special case' high horse and realise, we are are all facing tough lessons in one way or another.

So Day 2, started out really well considering how Day1 was, you know the bible says that sorrow may last for a while but joy comes in the morning. I think not only joy but clarity as well. A lot of things became clearer about the way I felt yesterday. Like my loneliness was it a case of I missed someone or I missed the feeling I had when I was with that person. I know difficult to look at it that way, but just woke up being challenged to question my motives. How often do we question our motive guys, why do we do the things we do. Is it for our benefit or for the benefit of others. Is it for gain or purely for love, WOW!!! this really shook me. Really brought me down to a earth and stop feeling sorry for myself and get in line with what God is doing. To stop trying to get out of my situation but allow God to transform me through it. There's a lot of stuff I don't know about what I'm going through right now, but one thing I do know is that God WON'T CHANGE. He still is the faithful, loving, merciful, just and life giving GOD.

I've just been going throught the Psalms (I like to call them 'David's Journal Entries') and was moved by one today, Psalm 17. In it David is complaining about the unrighteous and all the bad things happening to Him but he has been following God's command. But after all that complaining he ends off the Psalm with a beautiful line

'I will be satisfied with Your presence'

And I think, God loves it when we come to Him with our grievances much like me yesterday. But we come back to a place of saying ' I am satisfied with Your presence'. Because ultimately when we are satisfied in God, disappointments still disappoint but God doesn't. Our jobs, careers, relationships, grades, anything else will reach its limit. But God will remain the one thing we can rely on to always satisfy.

love, peace and happiness

Tau

Day One....

I guess I am shifting gears from my usual posts from today onwards. Been encouraged by mates to start journaling and I think this is an opportunity for my readers to get intouch with the real me. Hoping my journey inspires you to start writing your own. Some entries will be long some will be short, I'll miss some days and maybe post two on one day but what I will keep consistently is trying to be honest and open to my readers and allow God to shape me and shape others through these entries.

So enough chit chatter and now down to the main point of this entry. For those close to my life reading this, they would know that about a week and a half my life took a turn. God redirected me to focus on Him and not on my relationship and the most painful thing about it is it wasn't on my terms. For those who know me I love being in control in the centre of the action, in the loop some would say. But this time it was different, I wasn't setting the rules, I didn't make the first move, He did. From past experience I could have argued, made logic of the situation and wriggled my way to an outcome that suited me, but knowing God, like Jacob I would come second best in a head to head combat with Him. So He starts stripping away whats important to my life and the worst thing about it, He didn't give a time frame on when this 'forced sabbatical' would end. Like cummon how much could a guy take in one day. You know when you get that feeling in your heart as if God says, "It's better you give it away willingly cause I'm taking it anyway." So grudgingly I accept these turn of events and its hard. Everyday for the past week and a half has been Lonersville, I always pride myself in not needing people but I've discovered that the reason most of us say that is because we have people around. When we have noone then being alone doesn't become an option but a reality.

But through this time as hard as it has been God has been faithful, He's shown me one thing that I never realised. That the one I loved more than God was 'being loved'. I know it's weird how can wanting to be loved be a bad thing, you may ask. Well I think when we look for love in all the wrong places or rather all the wrong sources we end up like Jacob, sleeping at night thinking it was Rachel and in the morning only discover its Leah. And for me thats exactly the disappointment I felt, I was so quick to blame the people in my life. Always saying they ain't loving me enough (sounds like a rap song I know), but actually no matter how they tried they would never be able to. I was giving them a task or rather problem only God was big enough to handle. I think realising that helped me set them free from the burden of satisfying my need for love for because they are human they couldn't fill a void only God had the capacity to feel.

So you may be asking why call this day one not Day 11 or something, I guess because even with all the breakthroughs God is bringing the hardship is right there in the mix with it and its painful. I feel alone most of the time. Trying to fill a loneliness void with a God who you know is there but can't see is only easy when singing it in worship in church. Some days are good like yesterday and last Thursday & other days are just painful and empty like today, but one thing I know clinging on to an 'invisible' God is worth the hardship. I don't know what tomorrow will hold, I've begun to take my life an hour at a time. But God will bring me joy, true joy, not the one you get after watching a football match with the boys or being on an amazing date with you lover. But a joy that surpasses your understanding and keeps you centered in Christ even when noone is there.

I'll close off with a line from the song I really love by Hillsong United called 'All I Need', I've listened to this song and done it in worship over a hundred time but its only been in these last days I've been truly able to say "All I Need Is You Lord" because now He's all I've got

All I need is You Lord

Is You Lord

All I need is You

love, peace and happiness

Tau

Obey Your Thirst....

Today I woke up bright and early and was determined to be on  time for my lecture and not forget anything. But here I forgot that with me being ready and not forgetting something are two mutually exclusive events. So I forgot my precious water bottle which means for the past four hours I haven't had my five minute sip of refreshing water. And its  funny how my body has responded, I feel so dehydrated and thirsty every second its like I just want some water (regardless of the fact I'm leaving the library every 30minutes to drink water). And it just takes me back to about three months ago when I started my 1.5litres of water a day regime and how finishing 500ml bottle of water was excruciating, some days had to force it down my throught. But nowadays a single bottle won't last me an hour and have to go get some more and drinking about 2litres of water a day.

So If my body can get adapted to drinking lots of water and even crave it, what more with our spirits and God. Like drinking water getting into the habit of spending time with God is sometimes a laborious task. Having days were you have to force yourself to read the word or pray when you don't feel like it but you have to because like water, its good for you. So don't worry if you are in the early stages season of spending time with God cause the more you do the more your whole being adapts to spending time with God that on the day you fail to do so, your entire body thirsts for His presence and even though you take little bathroom break (like me for water) you aren't satisfied.

So lets dig our claws into time with God and before you not it He truly becomes the well spring of our souls, without whom we thirst for eternity.

love, peace and happiness

Tau

Dying of the Flesh....

After my post yesterday just came across an interesting post by Kate McDonald (www.katemcdonald.wordpress.com) so thought I would share it with you guys. If you are an avid blog reader like me it would be worth your time following her blogs.

How can this be wrong when it feels so right?
~~~~~~~~
Feels so right it can’t be wrong
~~~~~~~~
I know that nothing can’t be wrong that feels so right
~~~~~~~~
…the above lyrics are just three examples of from the 45 google pages you will unearth if you search “lyrics + wrong + feels right”

Sunday at church I had a splitting headache. It had begun the night before and carried right on through until the morning. The longer I sat, the more I tried to focus my eyes to read from my Bible, the more I felt like my head was going to explode. I tried to rub my neck and press pressure points.. in fact, after church my friend Andrea said, “you looked so miserable I was tempted to come up and sit behind you and just give you a massage”.

So when I say that something Pastor said went straight into my heart, I want you to understand just how much that took given the circumstances. 

I left church with just one sentence scrawled down in my journal:“does it feel good or does it feel right?”

For as many songs as there are that rely on the logic ‘if it feels good, then it cannot be wrong’ hence a thing is right to the degree that it feels good there is another whole set of songs that mirror’s Joss Stone’s position on the matter: “I’ve got a right to be wrong”

Ok, Joss… go ahead and lay claim to that one.

Christians are often more suave and guarded about holding onto their ‘rights’ and making decisions based on how good something feels. It sounds more like, ‘I just don’t have peace about__________’ or ‘__________ just honestly doesn’t feel right in my spirit’.

It doesn’t feel right? ….or…. it doesn’t feel good?

BIG DIFFERENCE.

This morning the Lord is bringing to mind a lot of right things that probably didn’t feel good. How about Abraham taking Isaac up to the mountain? As I parent, I cringe at that story. And… Joseph? He does the right thing by fleeing from his boss’ wife, only to end up in jail. No warm fuzzy feelings there. Moses was terrified to go and speak and be leader. It was the right thing to do, but it didn’t feel good. Can you even imagine how much David wanted to kill Saul in that cave when he had the chance? That probably would’ve felt good, but wouldn’t have been right. So he spared Saul’s life and continued to spend his fleeing his foe. Ruth probably didn’t want to obey her mother in law, but she did it anyway. Daniel probably would’ve had a lot more “peace” about not being thrown into the lions, right? The disciples likely would’ve been more comfortable not being martyred. Paul might have enjoyed writing letters from somewhere other than prison.

Not to mention Jesus, right? Who was tempted in every way as we are, but not because He couldn’t have escaped the flesh if He wanted to…who was rejected by His own… Who, the Bible said, was hated and despised…who endured the fickleness of His own creation… and ultimately who took on the sin of us all and died in our place, to make all things RIGHT.

So, if doing the right thing doesn’t necessarily (or often) feel good, what does it feel like?

Can you take a few minutes this morning to think about some times in your life when you’ve done the right thing? Can you give yourself the space to remember instances of obedience?

Go ahead.

Does it have a twinge of dying in it?

It has occurred to me this morning after having done some of my own personal inventory, that the sensation I associate with the hardest, most deep obediences of my life is feeling of death. Now before you all going getting cute, don’t be thinking of me like David with a sword above my head ready to slay something or someone…. well, other than me, that is.

The smell of death that clings to those memories, is the fragrance of my flesh passing away. It is the memory of my will and my desires and my claims and my rights decaying in the light of His Will and His Desires and His Claims and His Rights.

Abraham laid down his right to his own son- his flesh and blood- his Promise from the Lord. Joseph had to accept that doing the right thing didn’t mean he was going to get a medal or a pat on the back or even believed! Moses had to die to his insecurities. David had to let go of defending or avenging himself. Ruth lost the life she had known. Daniel died, time and time again, to his right to fit into his culture. The disciples gave everything up to follow Jesus- livelihood, families, and ultimately their own physical lives as well. Paul didn’t spend his life being the scholar of high position that he could’ve…

There is something appropriate about death being combined with obedience. Just as Jesus died to make a way for us to be righteous, when we seek to do right, we will find it requires a death for us.

love, peace and happiness

Tau

Who comes First....

Who comes first in your life? Before you answer this I would like you to think of two things:

1. Whats the one thing in your life that if it were to be taken away it would crush you beyond resolve?
2. What in your life occupies your time more than anything?

For most of us we can mention our family, parents, a spouse, a business. If you are a Christian you could possibly mention God. But even being a Christian after considering the two questions a deep sense of guilt or shame comes upon us as we think, really we always say God is first in our lives but nothing in our lives shows that. Not our time, not our thoughts, not our strength, not even our hearts. And its not that we don't think of it or desire for God to be first but still that connection seems to evade us. 

Maybe this is because we are looking for quality time to get to know God but that seems to be beyond our reach. But think of it this way, lets say you have a girlfriend/boyfriend and once a week you sit her down and say, "Baby tell me your fears, what you're feeling, just open up to me and cry." You and I both know even we wouldn't respond to that. Moments of opening up and sharing come when we don't expect it, when we go out for a movie or  when we spend the day together. Tim Keller puts it like this, "In order for us to have Quality time with God we need to have Quantity time." 

I guess my encouragement is for us to consider how much quantity time we are spending time with God. Matt Papa once wrote, "If Jesus's bones are to be found today and your life doesn't fall apart then is he really first in your life." Lets make it our daily prayer that its just us and God, and truly when we ask ourselves that question months from now we can speak with truth in our heart that Jesus is first.

love, peace and happiness

Tau

Prayer of Submission

I read this poem some years ago and thought of it recently. I hope it makes you think of what it really means to trust in God.

I ask you neither for health or sickness

For life nor for death;

But that you may dispose of my health and my sickness

My life and my death, for your glory. 

You alone know what is expedient for me; 

You are the sovereign master.

 Give me, or take away from me, only conform my will to yours. 

I know but one thing Lord, that it is good to follow you. 

Apart from that I know not what is good or bad in anything. 

I know not what is profitable for me, health or sickness, 

Wealth or poverty, nor anything else in the world. 

That discernment is beyond the power of men or angels, 

And is hidden among the secrets of your providence., 

Which I adore, but do not seek to fathom.

Love, peace and happiness

Tau

Everything.......

I woke up today with a big pit in my stomach. The I can't eat or do anything till I find out what its about sort of pit. Went about my usual morning routine, shower, make food but this feeling still wouldn't leave me alone. Doing the thing that always excites me I put together a playlist of songs to sooth whatever was going on with me. The last song on my playlist was Everything by Lifehouse and I don't know about you but there are some songs just stick out on a particular day and for me it was this song. So thought I would dissect for you certain aspects of this song that jumped out at me and hope they jump out to you too.

So for those who don't know this song has got a skit that has become very famous for a couple of years at Christian conferences, but all the times I've seen it it seemed to be directed to the unsaved. Just listening to it today it struck me that this song really is for reaching those already saved. Just in the first verse it says:

You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose...you're everything.

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Just how this song glorifies Jesus telling him who He is to us, but at the same time asking the question how we can walk in such close proximity to Him but without us being moved, changed ourselves. Just reminds me of Paul's words in Romans7 when he speaks of law and knowing what is right but still struggling with sin. And I guess this for me has become my daily cry that Lord I want to moved by you. I know about you, I study my bible, I listen to sermons, music but I don't want a checklist relationship but I want You Jesus.

I guess my encouragement for you today is to cry to Jesus and just ask Him for Him. Tell him you are desperate for him and noone else.

Peace, love and happiness

Tau 

It Is Done.......

I know I haven't written to you in a while Dad. I've been distant and only remembered you when I wanted something. I feel very lost at this moment. It seems like each time I have tried to draw closer to you, my sin pulls me further away. Dad I don't know what to do anymore, I can put guards and safety nets, but without you this has proved to be a futile effort. Its like what you say in your word, "Unless the LORD builds the house, those who build it labor in vain. Unless the LORD watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain." - Psalm 127:1. I am broken Lord, I need you Dad more than ever. I don't want to be in the driver's seat. You are th one true God and knowing you is what I desire. I will daily sing these words to you.

Please take from me my life

When I don't have the strength

To give it away to you

Please take from me my life

When I don't have the strength

To give it away to you Jesus

When you've crossed the road.......

Joburg is such a fast and big city, but I think the worst thing of all in Joburg is the traffic. Just thinking as a student how hard it is to cross the road during rush hour. With cars packed bumper to bumper and there's not a sign of an opening even for an air molecule to cross. But then there comes an instant when there's a momentary lapse from one driver, maybe slow on taking off at the traffic light. And like a gazelle I dash across to the other side.

Doesn't your life sometimes feel like rush hour traffic. There's the other side of the road that you need to get to, but right there is non stop traffic. But then comes that momentary instant, that fleeting moment of breathing space. Sort of a now or never scenario. Have you ever felt like God is trying to get you across the road, maybe your phone's alarm goes off just when you're about to make a bad decision. Or your wife calls when you're about to commit an act of infidelity, or your child walks in as you're about to sink back into the jaws of alcoholism once again. It's those small little things that we don't take heed of, sometimes I think God acts like a girlfriend. Sending small little hints and expecting us to read in between the lines. If you've been in a traffic jam in your life then you definitely know what I'm talking about.

Maybe today you're like me, in the middle of a traffic jam. Needing desperately to cross back to the other side of the road. Maybe you've seen the little opening but have failed to take the opportunity, but the most amazing thing about our God is that he loves us regardless. Our good works are just  a bonus to Him, a relationship with Him is what he desires more than anything. Some people say that the worst thing about crossing a line, is when you don't know you already have. But today I say the worst thing would be failing to see the olive branch extended to us to get back over the line.

I am always encouraged by an old hymn and I hope it gives you strength to go through this time.

Turn your eyes upon Jesus

Look full in His wonderful face

And the things of the earth will grow strangely dim

In the light of His glory and grace

love, peace and happiness

Tau

Love Dare......

Today is a very special day and i thought I should  write about a subject that's been on my heart the whole day, 'LOVE'. I watched the movie Fireproof again today and its just amazing what a fresh take I had on it. If you haven't watched it i recommend it as a must watch. The movie deals on unconditional love and has a really new perspective to it. There is one scene that remains etched in my mind when the father is talking to his son. He tells him that the reason he can't love her unconditionally is because he couldn't give her what he didn't have, which was unconditional love from Jesus. Maybe you are a christian reading this and thinking, I've already done it. But have you experienced Jesus unconditional love or you just know him as your saviour. Maybe you've been asking yourself why you've been so judgmental and short tempered with the people you love the most, I know i have. Maybe its time we've looked at scripture's like John 3:16 and 1 John 4:19 with a different perspective and truly receive Christ's love. For when we have experienced the purest of LOVE we can be able to love unconditionally. Just thought I would leave you with lyrics from a song by Warren Barfield, it sums up what I've been writing about

Love is Not a Fight

Love is not a place
to come and go as we please
It's a house we enter in
then commit to never leave

So lock the door behind you
Throw away the key
Work it out together
Let it bring us to our knees

Love is a shelter
in a raging storm
Love is peace
in the middle of a war
And if we try to leave;
May God send angels to guard the door
No, Love is not a fight
but its something worth fighting for

To some love is a word
that they can fall into.
But when they're falling out
keeping that word is hard to do

Love will come to save us
If we'll only call
He will ask nothing from us
but demand we give our all

 

Love, peace and happiness 

Tau

Only one set....

Woke up this morning and started rifling through all my stuff. I came across my diary from last year and it contained all the songs I had written in 2009. One particular song stood out for me and i thought i would share it with you guys today:

Job's Hymn

God of compassion, God of grace

What you have given, now you take

So take this cup of suffering

From our broken lives

Let not our will, but yours be done

Spirit of blessing, come we pray

For the hailstorm commeth again

We have not strength to face alone

The troubles of this world

Let not our will, but yours be done

Father of love, none can compare

Of your goodness we will sing

When the trial you set infront of us

Begin to overwhelm

Let not our will, but yours be done

When I worte this song I didnt realise what it meant, but I feel that he was preparing me for such a time as this. I hope it helps you find comfort and peace and know he is in control. For as it says in his word "... You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies..." Psalm 23v 5.

Love, peace and happiness.

Tau

God of the Dance....

Had a very interesting morning today, went to watch a movement exam for performance arts students. So amazing seeing all the different performances that came out. With some potraying a lovers' spat, others a story of a mother and child. Others the path from hatred to forgiveness. But I think the most interesting of all were the words spoken by the lecturer at the beginning. He explained that the perfomances we were going to see were not stories people came up with and then dances ensued. It was more of dances and the way people expressed the dance routine told a story.

I think its like that with God and our lives, he gives us a blank routine and says dance.  Just looking at those students today started me thinking on my own dance. How people have perceived it so far, was I getting across the message I wanted to. I guess its given me a whole different perspective to my life. Gives new meaning to the verse, "... you are the salt of the earth." The purpose of salt is just not for enrichment, but its there to preserve. The church, you and me, we are ".. the hope of the nations", and it all starts with our dance.

Maybe you are like me, you forget that the world is a stage and whatever is in our hearts will flow to our limbs and to our routine. Whats in your heart today, is it a career, a lover, a position or is it JESUS. Sometimes we are forgetting who we are dancing for. Lets remember who god is in our lives. Was listening to a song called By Your Side by Tenth Avenue North and just the following line sums up for me what God says to us when we start dancing for the wrong audience:

 

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

Love peace and happiness

Tau

Letting it go.....

Today my morning started out in a rather interesting way. My roomate fell asleep watching Flash Forward and when I woke up I felt the urge to watch it. Its a series about a day Oct 9 when thw whole world blackouted for 137 secs and each person saw themselves 6 months in the future. Zoning in there's the interesting plot of the detective who sees himself going back to alcohlism and his wife seeing herself with another man. Interesting enough they are in constant conflict over each other's 'flash forward' and the wife says something very intrigiung. She says, "It's not about the drinking or the other man, its's just that we don't trust each other anymore."

Trust, such a small word but has a very big implications. What do we mean when we say we trust someone? It's a very big question because no matter how we look at it we live in a world were people will betray our trust. But what do we do then, when we trust  people with our lives and they let us down. I guess the first step is always the hardest and thats forgiveness. We throw around words like 'I forgive you', but do we really know what forgiveness entails. It's not a warm  fuzzy feeling we get and end up feeling good about ourselves. But like anything that has love in the mix, forgiveness is all about choices. It's about choosing to let go, its about choosing to take that leap of faith with people who have hurt us. It doesn't mean we don't have the scars of betrayal but thats when we look back on them we don't do so with bitterness.

I remember when I was about 10 we used to go play miniature golf with my brothers. And this one time my brother swung a gold club at me and I have the scar on my forehead to this day. That scar will always be with me and whenever I feel it on my forehead I remember that day, but not with the anger I had that day. But as a memory of something that once happened. If you ask yourself today do you have scars of your past that you keep jabbing with a knife and are not allowing to heal. Maybe you have a metaphoric gun to someone's head and looking for a reason to pull the trigger. If we keep looking for reasons for people to let us down, believe me we will find them. I guess I am always by Colossians 3:13 which reads:

Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

Always know you are never alone, thats what Jesus is there for. To help us forgive like we never knew we could. Lets keep relying on him.

Love, peace and happiness

Tau

This world will never be enough.......

As I write this now I stand in awe as I feel God has been knocking on my heart about my post yesterday and I still feel there is still more to share today. Had an awesome prayer morning with THE MEN!!! in Bryanston today and just filled with an excitement through all the doors God is opening for His church. But with that I felt God constantly hammering into my heart that nothing but Him, not the success of His church or anything AT ALL will satisfy us than Him.

Just reading other blogs today it felt that God is pressing this message more than ever before. I think back on Switchfoot's song a beautiful letdown with the lyrics:

“It was a beautiful letdown, the day I knew, that all the riches this world had to offer me, will never do.”

What are we telling ourselves each morning, are we saying:

'I just need to have that CD by that band and I'll be happy' or

'I just need that latest outfit' or

'I just need a lover then I'll be satisfied'

We think God is our joy and happiness through His blessings forgetting that He is joy and happiness in himself. And its a daily thing, I thought I had together yesterday and today God blew me away again by just revealing my heart attitude.

David Wilcox in his song 'Break in a Cup', he alikens our hearts to cups with cracks which we try to get people and things to fill us with love, but our cracks let the love run out. The song just captures the essence of what our hearts are like, broken and in need of the one thing to mend and fill them up Jesus. It ends with these lyrics:

We cannot trade empty with empty

We must go to the waterfall

For there's a break in the cup that holds love

A break in the cup that holds love

A break in the cup that holds love

Inside us all

Inside us all

That waterfall is only found in one man and thats Jesus, 'The lover of our souls'. Everyday he teaches me to fall more in love with Him. Matthew 7:7b says seek and you shall find. Our job is not to go about doing the finding but just to do the seeking for God wants us to find him. So whenever you hit a downturn in life and find yourself looking for satisfaction in the empty, remember who's door to knock on Jesus.

love, peace and happiness

Tau 

What Matters Most.....?

Days after my last exam I really thought I would be bored but it is proving to be a very interesting journey for me. I thought of blogging in the morning but I kept getting the sense that what God wanted me to write today I would only find out later. Me being the impatient child I am wanted to blog so much but every sentence I put down seemed not to hold any substance. So today had a cool chilled out morning then met up with KW and DP which was awesome because they brought to the surface something very profound.It was more of a question about what matters the most.


Read a cool blog today by Mike(lead singer for Tenth Avenue North) and he was sharing a story about a friend of his who had just broken up with his girlfriend. You know most stories like these have some wishy washy soppy its gonna be alright tone but this one was different. It was blunt, unapologetic truth in love that he shared with his friend. Ultimately he laid it down telling Him what matters most and thats Jesus. Sometimes we think only the 'evil' stuff in our lives can become idols i.e. Money, Sex, Power. But even good stuff can become such a big thing in our lives that we lose touch of rily "WHAT MATTERS MOST". Going back to Mike's blog he gave the example of his wife of 2years and how no matter how great she is, she can never make him completely happy. She shouldn't be able to, that would be taking God's place.

Sometimes we place pressure on people we have in our lives, wives, girlfriends, husbands, kids e.t.c to be our source of contentment but we forget that the God shaped hole in our hearts can't be filled with the greatest spouse or family in the world. It can only be filled by God. And so, I’m slowly coming to terms with the fact, that since God loves me, he won’t let me be completely happy with anything other than Himself. He knows that my relationship with Him is the only constant and unchanging thing I will ever have in my life. Its a painful but good truth. There is an amazing book written over three decades ago by Sheldon Vanauken called 'A Severe Mercy'. Its basically, about this man who loses his wife through death, and he realizes that it was the severe mercy of God that allowed it to happen, because she was his God. He didn’t know it at the time, but the most merciful thing God could do was to take her from him, because only God can last beyond this life. Only God can satisfy.

I guess its some food for thought guys, definately for me. Not to say we shouldn't love and relationships and family are pointless. But that in our loving and spending time with amazing people that God has the mercy to give us we don't for get our first love, Jesus. I am always reminded of this through Revelations 2:2-4, it reads:

I know your deeds, your hard work and your perseverance. I know that you cannot tolerate wicked men, that you have tested those who claim to be apostles but are not, and have found them false. You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary. Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love.

Peace, love and happiness

Tau

The Way forward.....

I have many questions in my mind at the moment. Very silly questions as a matter a fact. Why is it that when babies learn to walk, when they stand instinctually they move forward and when they fail to take that next step they fall back. Funny analogy if you picture it in your mind but I think thats what its like in our christian walk. We are like babies in every sense of the word, we stand up excited to take on the new challenge but on trying to take that step to move forward we fall back to our old ways.

But i guess the difference with babies is that they no matter how many times they fall they pick themselves up and try again. Sometimes I wish we all had the resilience of babies, the faith that no matter how many times we fall, our dad God, is looking down to us and beckoning us to Himself. Be it you have tried to put him first, you've wanted your motives for serving and loving God to be genuine and each time you failed. I have a prayer from Psalm 139: 23-24 that I read today and it filled me with a sense of what to ask God when I feel I've failed him again. It reads:

Search me, O God, and know my heart, Try me, and know my thoughts
See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

We are everything in Jesus guys... Lets let his amazing love and grace be what changes us.....

Love, peace and happiness

Tau

The Heart of the Matter...

Thought for today my fellow bloggers and blog readers... What really is on God's heart is our heart. Behaviour change comes from heart change, lets stop fearing the physical and emotional consequences of our actions and start revering the awesome splendour of the Almighty...

Happy Saturday loved ones

Tau

Extravagance

Just finished my last paper and after the stuff I have experienced over the past three papers thought I would share with you guys a little bit about extravagance. Just googled the word extravagance and it gave this meaning "unrestrained excess..."

These past couple of weeks I feel God has provided unrestrained excess in my life. From his lavish grace, with me making a fool of myself almost on a daily basis, but He sees me through a different pair of shades. I think today was just the topping on the cherry. Just a bit of background, I ain't the most hard working person on the planet  (more inclined to lazy). But this year I have made it a point to focus well on my studies and make sure I have everything on lockdown. I became very confident in my abilities, knew the right study patterns and genrally did what was expected of me. But then exam time came and with a hectic 3 weeks prior to my exams I didn't have that smug confidence I always had. I felt I was on shaky ground nowhere really to turn to.  I literally felt I was loosing everything that I had worked hard for.

But then sitting watching telly the other day Joel Osteen came up and started speaking about successful people. Gave the example of Nebuchadnezzur(don't know if spelling is right), how in the early days of truimph he honoured the Lord. But when it became a norm for him to succeed he looked to himself and that led to his downfall. And like a light bulb in my head i felt God saying, "Have you gotten so used to succeeding that you think it depends on you."
And thats what we are like sometimes, we forget that getting to the highs we are wasn't by our ingenious five year plan. But it was a result of God's EXTRAVAGANCE. He is our source and wellspring, in good times and in bad.

Maybe you were like me in the middle of exams or you reading this and stuff just ain't coming together in your life. You feel you have failed cause you havn't tried hard enough... Just don't forget that God is Extravagant in al his wasy...

Peace

Tau

I am... broken...

Today was one of those days where you take stock of your life and where God has taken you from. Thought I would share a song I worte about 8 months ago, which at the time made no sense. I feel God meant for me to write that song as a cry for help, and I can't tell you how many times I sang this song in the shower every morning for the past 6 weeks.

I come to you now seeking answers

I'm sorry I've fallen again

I tried to be a better man

To live my life a little more like yours

But I fall far too short

Mend me now

I am broken, I am broken

Show me how, to live for You

Even when my world is falling apart

And now that you take me back again

Let not my strength be my own

I want to be that little flame

That shines your light

To each and every man

Set me on fire now

Fill me now

I am empty,I am empty

Show me how, to live for You

Even when my world is falling apart

I guess when we go through seasons of testing and trial we feel like this in one way or the other. But I'm always encouraged by Job's discussion with God. How he was honest and broken before God about what was happening to him, humbled by the fact that by his own strength he could do nothing to change it. And giving in to the lavish love and grace God has for each of us to get him through it. That's what helps me get up in the morning, knowing that if there is one person left with to hang out with in my life that's Jesus. And even though things look bleak, he is my treasure, he is my sanctuary, he is my fortress. If you are going through hectic times, forget what is happening around you and focus on what he's doing in you

Have a great day people

Tau

Life... in a Nutshell

It’s funny but I was reading Kate McDonalds blog and it stirred up a lot in me today. As you probably can see I haven't blogged in a while or written anything. Whenever I did it was with a great amount of inconsistency and I guess I thought today would be my second beginning of my second attempt to share my thoughts and let God speak to me and all who read through them.

I have had a hectic month of my life being thrown into 20 different directions (mostly due to my bad decisions). I guess a lot of the stuff will be outline as with sharing my story I am also wanting to protect the people I love and hence this will not be your juicy Gossip Column section but just my way of sharing were I have come from. About six weeks back I got into some very destructive behaviour, I became a person I barely even recognised. I hurt deeply the people I love and let down the people who looked up to me and those who supported me. One of the things that captured me about Kate McDonald's post was that, I quote: "That it doesn’t take long living apart from the life-giving source of relationship with God to become a person you can’t even recognize." It was such a surreal feeling when I think back on all my shameful activities. When I remember them it feels like I am remembering someone else's story and life and not my own. It feels as if I am remembering being in a scene of a movie as an extra but not being the one acting. But the truth of it all is that it was me all me.

I guess I have always made up excuses for myself and said I did this and that because someone did this and that to me. But I guess this time it was no excuses time, I had harboured bad seed and that seed have borne fruit in a situation. I heard this analogy once: Take for example two glasses of water one with dirty water and another with clean water. If you were to bump the glasses together water would spill over. The one glass would spill dirty water and the other clean water. It wasn't the bump that produced dirty or clean water but it was what was inside of the glasses from the beginning. I guess that's the way our relationships with people are like. I got into a bump and all I could spill was dirty water. God has showed me a lot these past couple of weeks. He's shown me elements of pride, selfishness, foolishness that I never knew were in me.

As Sibs Sibanda (pastor at church) once said, we need to give ourselves to the process of God's moulding. I guess everyday when I wake up I say to myself I had to lose everything for me to gain the most important thing, that was my relationship with God. I think as Christians we get so caught up in knowing how to live that we forget that living is a daily process. I once wrote that "A man's character is not defined by what he does in a fleeting moment, but a collection of those fleeting moments." Am nowhere near but as some sticker once said "PBPGNDWMY" (Please be patient God's not done with me yet), and its stuff I live by every day.

I have learnt a lot about Hope these past few weeks, sometimes we think of hope as the absence of future trials. But I now see hope as the presence of future victories, I am making my way through one battle now and it won't be my last. I am seeing the value of delighting in the small beginnings, those little glimmers of hope that tell you it’s possible. Maybe today you are like me, trying to stamp out a long overdue bad habit and each time you try you fail. Maybe you facing bigger stuff, a drug addiction a failing marriage and no matter what you try to do you hit a brick wall. Just keep in there and trust in Jesus, he is our strength in times of weakness, I guess we always preach to people to love the unlovable but forget to tell them that only happens through Jesus.

Wow seems I have made headway today, hoping to share some more stuff tomorrow. Trusting in his grace and sufficiency to pull me through....